I recently made a Tiktok about the reason why most couples come into therapy. It’s because they are looking for two things.
First, they are looking for Love. Love is the energy we give away in words, time, gifts, touch and acts of service. They feel lonely. They feel alone. They feel like their partner isn’t trying any more and isn’t happy. And they ultimately feel unloved.
Second and more importantly, they want their pain validated. They want their partner to understand their pain. What It means to feel alone, rejected, lonely, and unheard.
And whether you are male or female, rich or poor, straight, or queer, young, or old, consistently when we work with couples, it is these two concepts that reoccur.
We all want empathy. We all want our pain to be healed. We all want our partner to recognize that this isn’t easy. Life, kids, mortgage, taxes, stress, and everything that life throws at you…is not easy. And we often look to our marriage or romantic relationship to heal those parts of our lives that cause us stress and pain.
And what we teach couples over and over again is how to attend to each other’s pain (otherwise known as sick, scared and hurt.) And how to hear a complaint (in other words the other person’s pain.) And when we can start to validate and have empathy for our partners pain, and then start to give them love.
Then things shift.
Then we heal.
Then we start to have a healthy relationship.
